Henri Does the Wild Kingdom

Before I died in 1632, it was told to me that I was quite unpleasant to look at. No, no, it's okay. You see, I was a hump back and because of the infliction that I was born with, I was used to people stopping and staring at me even when they didn't think I knew.

I knew they thought me hideous, so I retreated into a shell, not wanting to come out.

After I died, I have found that I have become everything I knew me to be...virile...quite endowed and quite handsome. Soyez toujours mon coeur battant!

Yesterday, after I tagged a few lovely ladies, I thought I would crawl out from under the Coors Lights cans and go out into the vampire-infested mall to do my little thing at Victoria's Secret. It's just a weekly ritual that usually causes no harm to the 21st century people as they walk about completely oblivious to the fact that Henri is standing beside them oggling them.

Before I got to the mall, though, there was an area with lots of trees that I'd never noticed before. And among these trees, there were places to sit to eat and various equipment in which the little people seemed to like to make lots of noises around.

In between the shrieks coming from the little people, I could hear other noises. Strange, far-off noises. I turned in this direction to see who was making these noises, and quite to my surprise and shock, it was an area full of wild animals.

Henri's first reaction was to get the blue blazes out of there, but something struck me as odd. The wild animals were kept behind a tall fence in which they supposedly could not escape.

In Paris where I am originally from, the only animals that roamed free were of the domestic kind, although when I traveled to distant countries, yes, there were various kinds of animals roaming free and not behind a wire fence, so this caught me as being quite odd and I wondered how these 21st century people were able to get them from their native land and hold them there and not be arrested for doing so.

Surely, these animals could not be happy so far from home and living behind a fenced in area such as what I was seeing now.

It was inhumane when you thought about it.

Being a hump back and shunned by the local townspeople, as well as my own family, when I was alive, I created a rapport with animals. It was as if I could understand their needs and their wants. I never told anyone for fear they would think I was more than a freak than I already was, so I kept this secret to myself.

And as I was thinking about this, it occurred to me that Henri could help these animals and find out if they were content to be confined and if they wanted me to help them return to their homeland. I wasn't sure if I could help, but I had to try.

I flew over and got a closer look at them, but I forgot something.

They could not see me.

If I were to help these animals, I would have to make myself visible. Once visible, I could get their attention and communicate with them. It sounded like a plan.

Henri was about to become a hero and save the wild kingdom!

I materialized in a matter of a few seconds and walked up to the first animal. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite the reaction I hoped it would be.

I quickly took out my photographing device so that I could show my blogging friends what someone (or animal in this case) looks like when they first see Henri...

I've seen better hair days, but this was a simpian primate's reaction when I peeked through the wires of his jailhouse...

The animal was completely traumatized. I apologized but it didn't seem to make a bit of difference.

Figuring I just didn't have the communication thing going on with this creature, I scurried off and stopped at a member of the felidae family. However, I got the same reaction.

I didn't even have time to open my mouth.

I was starting to feel a little bad by this time. Here I was trying to save them and all I was doing was making things worse.

And all this animal did was stare.

Even in the afterlife, they stare.

It was closing in on time to depart and make haste to Ezra's ice box for some cool Coors Light to help ease the pain, so I turned off my photographing device and started to take off when one of the little people stumbled into me. Literally went right through me, but it left such a remarkable look on his face, I grabbed my photographing device for one last picture that would be ingrained in his memory for some time.

This has made Henri quite quite sad.

I flew back to Ezra's house and opened a can of Coors Light and stared at my reflection and realized what happened.

I was wearing nothing but my birthday suit. As a ghost, those things don't matter. But, I guess in the civilized world of the wild kingdom, it does.

The moral of this story is to never materialize without making sure you have your trousers on, unless you're in Victoria Secrets, of course. At least there, you'd get appreciation.

Tags: The Search for the Million $$$ Ghost, ghosts, Paris, France, Victoria Secrets